I feel like I've been the eternal "Toys 'r Us" kid or the modern (female) Peter Pan; I never wanted to be a grown up. I've been fighting "growing up" for far too long. There's always been something so unappealing, scary, and boring that I assumed would come with being a grown up. Why would I want to be a square? Have responsibilities? I always assumed that being a grown-up would be so average, so everyday, so much like everyone else. Who wants that? Not me!

Lately, however, I've realized that being a grown up doesn't have to be all of those things. We don't have to lose (or give up) our sense of adventure, our zest for life, or our days of fun. We can be "grown-ups" and still be youthful and adventurous. Further, there are some unexpected joys that come with maturity that have been a pleasant surprise.

Does this mean that maybe I'm a grown-up? Say it ain't so! Well, it seems that while I've been busy living life and being a graduate student that I became distracted and stopped resisting the "growing-up." Somewhere over these last few months or maybe even years, it's sort of just happened and I have to say, I'm liking it! It's nice to have found an inner peace (not to be read as contentment) and to be happy with who I am and with my life. It's nice to have a confidence that has been missing for so long. It's nice to sit back and reflect on all that is my life and to not only be proud but to be full of joy. For the first time in my life, that "chronic dissatisfaction" that has been plaguing me, well, let's just say it's moved on and so have I.

I love my new city. I love my family. I love the friends I am blessed to have (both old and new). I love my dog. I love all of the adventures that I get to have. And...no matter how difficult a PhD program is, I love graduate school. I love the opportunities that it brings my way; conferences, travel, research, and constantly learning new things that fascinate and amaze me. Most importantly, I love having the confidence, experience, and perspective to realize that my life doesn't have to be perfect in order to be exactly what I want and need.

Do I still have lots to learn and plenty more to experience? Yes! That's what makes life exciting. It's also makes me reluctant to say I'm fully a grown up - maybe that's the youthfulness of being a grown-up? You see, I've realized that being a grown-up isn't the end-all. Its doesn't mean we're done and that we have to stagnate. Being a grown-up doesn't mean we stop growing. It's a new beginning; a new chapter. It means I've grown wise enough to know that I have a whole life to live and experienced enough to have learned from my mistakes.

Being a grown-up means realizing that my life isn't perfect, but that it doesn't have to be. I've made mistakes and I'm sure I'll make plenty more. Does everyone like me? Nope! You know what though? It's ok to not be liked by everyone. It's also ok for me to admit that I've been in the wrong at times and that maybe that's why I've burned some bridges. Some of those can be rebuilt and some can't. What matters is that I know within myself when I've been right and when I've been wrong...and that I can own it rather than being blinded by pride and arrogance. I don't need to be angry or hide behind insecurity. I don't need to always be right.

If being a grown-up is why I feel healthy - physically, emotionally, and spiritually, then I'll take it! It's so nice to have a community of people to support me and motivate me to shoot for the moon. I have countless blessings in my life, and I'm grateful. I'm excited for this new chapter in my life and all that it will bring my way. Letting go of people and of the past is hard to do, but sometimes it's for the best. We have to cut ties with the anchors in our lives in order to move forward...and quite frankly, this ship is moving full-steam ahead!